The Breakdown

Paula and I have this wonderful openess. We always talk and she never hesitate to ask me, or tell me anything. I'm proud that she is like that. I never had that kind of openess to my Mama when I was young. Anyways, we always talk over mobile, sms, chat and video chat. After school she logs in her dad's laptop and make sure to say hello or make kwento of what are the things that happened in school. Tonight was different. Not the usual hello and how are you Ma? She was sad and she have tears on her eyes... She blurted "Mama, I miss you..." And I ask why are you crying sweetie? Never replied.... sobbing on her pillow. I buzz her which she always do whenever she sees me crying on webcam. Then she type back, "Umuwi ka na mama... I miss you so much.  We are a sad family...." An 8 year old couldn't showered with toys... My Paula, can't be showered with material things that she have. She values family and knowing me I cried... such a cry baby that I am, I can't help but show her I am crying (usually when I cry, I turn off the webcam). So I explained that I'll try my best to come home or for her to come again to SG... His dad came to the picture and I can see them talk and Jae said, "Come home, Rae" 

Paula and Jae is very open as well. Then Jae, typed what Paula said, you never ask her what's on her mind when we are on the way to the airport. I was looking at her looking. She's just looking outside the window, and that is so unusual behavior of her, because whenever she's in the car, she talks a lot. That moment, she was all quiet and looking outside. I was so scared to ask her feelings that time, because I know it will be so hard for me to accept. And that was my big fault. There is something in her mind and I never ask. I guess, now I understand my Mama, that she's just scared to ask...

I feel bothered. I'd like to come home at the same time. Any jobs in the Philippines? Trainer? Learning Specialist? I have mixed emotions. I would like to retire by age 40, that is 10 years from now.... I would like to give my kids everything... but how?